Friday, September 28, 2007

Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 6

PART 6

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

2 comments:

Jason said...

Steven Wright is brilliant.

Complaint Department Manager said...

I love that stuff. Reminds me of some of Carlin's material.