Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Movie Madness

These were too funny (and too true) not to pass on! VIA RGS

Only in movies...........

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. Unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more than often not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a part). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start the first time. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scolding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on, it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, it’s internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade. Any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes will always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than all 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in the room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie stars pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist on the man laying next to her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have on of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

Floating Bed

I would really love to have one of these. But I don't think I could ever sleep on it outside. To actually sleep outdoors where someone could just walk up and do whatever they wanted to me?? No way! I would love to sleep outside amongst the sounds of the birds and the breezes or the stars and the moonlight. There's not much I wouldn't do outside, but sleep out in the open, I will not. In a tent, yes. Don't ask me why. But wouldn't this be nice to just lay on and relax with a book and a drink? YUM!

On the other hand, having this strung up indoors as part of your decor looks hideous......unless you are a porn star, I guess.

Chicken Lip

Thursday, April 19, 2007

My Most Embarassing Moment

You know, there are many times in my life that I have been embarassed but none compare to the time I am about to tell you about.

First off, a little background information. I don't need anyone to email me and tell me what a heathen I am or that I will go to hell for this or that. You do your thing, I'll do mine, k?

I have been married twice. The first time I got married, I was 21, not sure what I wanted, got married anyway, stayed married for 4 years and found out it wasn't him that I wanted. So we got divorced. The only good thing I can think about all that was the fact that we didn't have kids. For that, I am thankful. It was hard enough dragging myself through a divorce let alone a kid or two.
Anywho.......about a year after I divorced, I met my current husband, Bubba. For purposes of this story, let's just call him Bubba, cause that's really what we call him anyway. When Bubba and I first started dating, I lived by myself in a little house. Not long after we started dating, I asked to move back home with my mother to save on expenses. So I moved in with her in the back of the house in a bedroom that had its own door to the outside. I was 26 years old and I pretty much came and went as I pleased while I lived there. And I also brought Bubba home to stay over whenever I wanted. Yeah, my mom was cool like that.
So, at this point, Bubba and I had only been together a couple months. We were still in the "blinded by love" stages. Inseperable. Having fun. Very much in love. You know how new love is.....you do everything to impress. It goes on for months until you are completely comfortable with the person enough that you start doing things like blowing your nose or farting in their presence. We were in those stages. I wouldn't dare fart in front of him. I wouldn't even say that I had to go to the bathroom in front of him. To this day I still don't fart in front of him. Even after nearly 13 years together, I think he's only heard me do it maybe 5 times and those were all accidental. Yeah...I'm just not that type of girl to fart in front of anyone.
Ok....anyway....I am getting off track here.
One night Bubba came home with me. We slept in the same bed with my beloved min-pin dog, Spike. We wake the next morning and just lay there talking for a while. After a bit, we decide we better get up and go get something to eat. As I get up out of bed, Bubba says there is something on my face. I reach up and feel something just as he is coming closer to look at it. As soon as I touch it, I realize what it is. I am shocked, disgusted and completely fall over dead embarassed as Bubba zooms in on it with his fingers and proceeds to tell me he thinks it's a tick. He grabs ahold of it and pulls it off. Just like that. My first thought is, 'My gosh! How big is the damn thing?!?!' Bubba doesn't exactly have skinny fingers and has no fingernails to speak of. He fat-fingers everything. So it had to be big because he just so easily reached up and pulled it off. Oh sure...with my luck, it couldn't be just a tiny little seed tick or anything. It had to be huge. I was mortified! Absolutely mortified! A tick embedded into the side of my face! I am sure that is NOT the picture any man wants to see of his new girlfriend in the morning......with a huge dog tick hanging off the side of her face. Big enough even that he could just reach up and easily pick it off! Until he showed it to me, I tried to pretend I was in denial that it was even a tick. But there is was......a tick......stuck on my face.......and my new boyfriend just pulled it off. I've never heard of anyone having a tick stuck on their face. He hadn't either. I just couldn't look at him the rest of the day. I was absolutely humiliated about the whole thing.

It's something he giggles about every once in a while to this day. He tells me it was no big deal but to me it was. I still get mad when he brings it up and refuse to talk about it. But I think it's about time to start giggling about it too. So here's why I'm letting it all out for the whole world to see.
I have been embarassed plenty of times in my lifetime. I mean, I embarass myself on dang near a daily basis. I'm used to it by now. But I have never been able to get over this one. It was the worst thing ever................

.......to date.

It's Time For Another Email Joke!

From my sister, who I wish would create her own blog. She has a lot to say, I'm sure.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

TeaPosy & Numi Flowering Teas

These are just the coolest things! And I don't even drink hot tea. But they sure are pretty.

From Numi:
Flowering Teas are handsewn rosettes of fine tea leaves that elegantly bloom into a work of art when steeped in hot water.



Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I'm Sorry.

I haven't been posting much. I've left all you wonderful people without stuff to look at or read. I apologize.

The weather here has improved greatly and I have been spending much of my time between Spring Cleaning the house and planting seedlings in the flower beds. Between all that and the Easter holiday, I haven't spent much time in the computer room.

But now that the last frost (cross yer fingers) has passed, and my little Morning Glory babies are snug in the ground, I can concentrate on doing some things on the computer during the times the baby is asleep and during the late afternoon when I get too hot to do anything else. I have a few silly things to tell you about and a few current events to write about that I'll get to soon. I just have to sit down and write them out first.
So, until then, here are a couple things I've had stashed back in the files for times like this when I don't have the time or the gumption to write about anything else.

I'll be back in a bit with more.

Hi Ron Knee!

Color Conflict

It's easy at first.


Where Is The Cow?

Ok...what am I missing here?
I found this illusion picture at this website. It asks Where Is The Cow?

I don't see a cow. Anyone else see a cow?
If so, please tell me how/where. It's driving me crazy.