Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 6

PART 6

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Chuck Norris Jokes - Part 3

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris CAN slam a revolving door.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Still shaking head from the last post and I come across this one......

Bad boy of haute couture, Gareth Pugh, introduced a new type of head wear in his Spring/Summer 2008 Fashion Show in London.

via Neatorama


WHO WEARS THIS STUFF?!?!?

What the #$*!

I've always wondered how I acquired such a deep frown line in between my brows. I got it from reading all the weird crap on the internet.

Look at the picture and then touch that same spot between your eyebrows.

I'll bet you have one too.


Now, I've seen weirder shoes than this. A LOT weirder. But usually those weirder shoes come from designers in other countries or from designers that aren't as well known and are trying to make a name for themselves by shocking the general population with their designs. But THIS shoe, this backwards heel, freak show pair of shoes come from a well-known American designer.
Marc Jacobs.
THE Marc Jacobs.

What the heck is he thinking?!?

Interesting animals!

The wonderful website Cellar.org posted these a couple days ago.















I just love the curly-haired pigs!















But the frilled shark really freaks me out.

She would have been 38 years old today.......

My sister Jeannie. She passed away at the age of 5 from complications of a brain aneurysm.

These are all the pictures that I have of her. She was so cute.

I can't even imagine what life would be like with her around.

The Daffodil Principle

I don't remember where I first saw this. I think it's just beautiful and so inspiring.


The Daffodil Principle

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead "I will come next Tuesday", I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

"Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!" My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother." "Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears,
and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her.

"But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."

"Carolyn," I said sternly, "please turn around." "It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, "Daffodil Garden." We got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers. "Who did this?" I asked Carolyn. "Just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking", was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958."

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world ...

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching.


Wishing you a beautiful, daffodil day!

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

~Anonymous

Giant Cupcake Pan

It's a giant 3-D, 1.5 foot high Giant Cupcake cake pan by Wilton.

And I want one!

Giant Cupcake Cake Pan

This would be great for Kaseys next birthday. Freakin' cute!

Dopie Shoes

Are these for real?!?!? I hope not!

Dopie Shoes













SOOOO ugly!
The only place I would ever consider wearing something like this is around the house when I need to make a quick trip outside for something, like checking the mailbox or taking out the trash. They seem extremely convenient for purposes like that. Otherwise, I can't imagine wearing a huge flap of rubber between my toes like that out in public. They look very uncomfortable and as if they would fall off all the time. Not to mention, they don't compliment the looks of a naked foot at all....especially a mans foot!




EW!

Here I am! What A Crazy Ride It's Been!

I bet you've been wondering where I've been the last few months, huh?
Well, lemme tell ya, it's been about as crazy as it could get here.

I would like at this point to use the old phrase, "To make a long story short", but if you know me, nothing about me is short, not even my daily adventures. Bear with me here......

We had a great camping trip over the 4th of July at Cape Fair Campground. We spent nearly a week there and did a lot of boating, swimming, eating and sleeping. Our camping trip over the fireworks weekend has been a family tradition for as long as we've had kids. We have a small pop-up camper that we acquired a few years after Kasey was born. Since using it, we will never go back to camping in tents again. I used to be all about the "primitive camping" trips and would have never thought about staying in a camper, but after having a child and spending many sleepless, sweaty nights with a small crying child in a tent, having any kind of shelter with A/C is a godsend.

Then, my worst fear happened. My computer completely crashed the night after we came back from camping. It was the computer that my mother gave me when she switched to a laptop. It's not that old, maybe 4 years old. I've owned computers older than this one and never had a problem with them. This one ran faster so that's why I ditched my old one and started using this one. Anyway, I think the week that I had it shut off while we were gone camping took its toll on the hard drive and it could never get itself up and running again. I didn't lose much except a few photos. So I took it in for repair and was without the "innernets" for a little over a week. Let me tell you, I don't think I have ever been so bored in my whole life! I really didn't realize how much I enjoy and use a computer for the most menial things. I bought my first one in 1999 (3 months after my first child was born) and from the time I opened the box, you couldn't pry me away from it. I thought for sure my husband was going to kill me over how much time I spent on the computer. At times, I would stay up all night and all day the next day just playing games or chatting with friends or doing sweepstakes. Even with all the stresses of having my first child and all that a newborn demands in the first few months, I just couldn't bring myself to turn it off and do the things I needed to do. I was addicted in the worst way. And it was slowly taking its toll on me. At that time, I was a smoker and drank Mtn. Dew like it was water. The combination of cigarettes, Mtn. Dew and not enough sleep was killing me. I was frequently sick, tired and couldn't function normally. I often think back to that time and regret that I allowed myself to get like that because it probably affected my daughter more than me at that time. I took great care of her and always did for her what needed to be done but nothing more. Thank God she's an as well-adjusted 8 year old as she is. I love her so much and can't get past how I could allow myself to get like that and not do for her as much as I could have. Over the last 4-5 years, I cut down my computer usage to a more reasonable time frame. More like what normal, non-addicted computer users maintain. No more overnight game playing or checking email every time I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I finally realized that I needed sleep and my health more than I needed to check my email. Since having my second child, my computer time has been cut even more. Sometimes I might go a couple days without getting on the computer. That's a HUGE improvement over the old days. But the night my computer completely crashed and the week it took to get a new hard drive put in was one of the most boring weeks I have ever experienced. You'd think that I could find something else to occupy my time with, and I did, but I did not like the fact that I couldn't go look up a recipe, or visit a website I saw on tv whenever I wanted. Pile on the fact that it was 90+ degrees outside during that time and I am still in that "stuck inside with an infant" stage and you can see why I got so bored. You can only clean your house so much before you run out of things to do and need other things to occupy your time.

About a week after coming home from the camping trip, my husband was the first to point out to me what I had already had suspicions about. I noticed the dark urine a couple weeks earlier but blew it off on the extreme hot weather we had been having and having come back from being on a very hot, exhausting camping trip and thinking I wasn't drinking enough water. I didn't get anxious about anything being wrong until my husband said to me one night as we sat at a ballgame that I looked very yellow to him. I too had been thinking that I looked a little yellow but again, passed it off to some weird shade of tan I acquired while on the camping trip. It wasn't until I was house-sitting for my sister while she was on vacation and ended up with some of the worst pains I'd felt since giving birth to my children that I knew I needed to make a doctors appointment. So being very jaundiced, lethargic, having very dark urine and experiencing pains around my abdomen area, I saw Dr. Clark who confirmed there was something definitely wrong since it's not very common for people of my age to become jaundiced. He also told me that my liver enzyme levels were off the chart and that I needed to get this taken care of very soon. Since I am not a drinker, drug user or abuse my body in any other way, he was very concerned and suggested I see a general surgeon named Dr. Cardwell the next day. Dr. Cardwell immediately admitted me into the hospital at Cox South and I was there for 4 days. First he thought it was my gall bladder and wanted to take it out until cat scans showed there wasn't any blockage in the gall bladder. So he had a gastroenterologist named Dr. Havaldar come in and he though it might be something to do with my liver other than a gall bladder problem. After many, many blood tests (24 vials, ugh) to rule out hepatitis, AIDS and all that jazz, Dr. Havaldar ordered a liver biopsy. That biopsy showed some damage to my liver but the doctors here in Springfield weren't able to determine what was causing the damage. So I was referred to a really nice doctor named Dr. Lisker-Melman at Washington University in St. Louis.He seemed to think it could either be a toxicity problem or an auto-immune disease, which I already have some form of because I have psoriasis. (By the way, my psoriasis has all but cleared up and disappeared since all this started, so I am VERY happy about that.) So after Dr. Lisker-Melman took another look and ran more extensive tests on my blood and liver biopsy, he's determined it's a toxicity issue. My liver enzyme levels are still in the 700-800 range and if they don't come down to normal soon, I may have to take some sort of treatment. Normal range is 40. Yes, 40! And I have been at elevated levels since at least the beginning of July. When I was admitted to the hospital, my levels were 1600+, so I have improved quite a bit but not enough for the doctors comfort. I took another blood test last week and am waiting on those results to find out where we need to go from here. Nearly $17,000 in medical bills and I still have no definitive answer as to what caused all this.

During all that mess, school started. Kasey is now in the 3rd grade and couldn't love school any more. She is a rocket in the mornings. She gets herself up, gets ready and dressed and comes to wake me up before she gets on the bus. She's growing up so fast. She is getting excellent grades and loves homework. She LOVES homework! This is a complete turn-around from last year when she could have cared less whether she ever went to school again or not. Her main interests seem to be in Science, spelling and Art, which were my best subjects when I was in school. Like mother, like daughter. I love that!

So here it is, nearly the end of summer and heading straight into fall.....my favorite season! Halloween is now close enough that we can start thinking about decorating the house and not feel as though we are jumping the gun. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. We have decided to be a clan of cavemen and women for Halloween, so I am going to be busy trying to get us ready for that.

I've been thinking about learning how to use this sewing machine that I received from Bubbas mother after she passed away. It's been sitting here for over a year now. I'm excited about sewing but not excited about learning. Figure that one out.

That's about all that's been going on since I last posted. I'm sorry that I've neglected my blog for the last few months. I hope to get a couple more posts on here tonight and will keep up a regular schedule of posting every day or so.

Thanks for hanging in there with me! Especially you, Jeffro! Love ya!


PS...Just for the record, I do not smoke or drink Mtn. Dew anymore. After 24 years of it, I quit smoking 2 ½ years ago and have never felt better. I quit drinking soda a little more than a year ago. If you knew how much of those two things I did in the past, you'd know just how proud I am of myself for banishing those two bad habits from my life. Only thing though, they became bittersweet accomplishments for me. I probably lost 20 pounds by not drinking soda anymore but gained 30 pounds because I quit smoking. I can't win for losing....LOL