Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 8

PART 8

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.