I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
"So, do you live around here often?"
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.