Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 2

PART 2

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?