Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 1

Steven Wright is not only funny looking, he's just plain funny! One of my favorite comedians.

My favorite quote:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Ones I don't understand:
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I had my coathangers spayed. (I get this one now.....my sister explained it to me.)


PART 1

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!