Stupid Crimes 2006: The Year in Stupid
So what have we learned this year?
Do not mess with Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, Yoda or any other Star Wars characters.
Do not mess with the bride, the groom, the in-laws, the best man or the guests.
Watch out for cheerleaders.
Any legal dispute can be settled with a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Cops can’t always have it their way, but you should never threaten them with a potato peeler.
Don't teach your dog to drive.
Should your ATM heist go awry, do not set the getaway vehicle on fire.
Garden gnomes are lonely, but strangely literate.
It's probably best not to get drunk and go shopping.
When on the run, hold off on the crack break.
Tighty-whities and blue faces are great disguises; your birthday suit ... not so much.
Burglars need showers, naps and Brazilian waxes, too.
Always make sure you have the right house.
Do not stick monkeys, birds, leopards, flowers, shrimp, frozen dinners, Nesquik, kitchen utensils or puppies down your pants.
In fact, don’t mess with monkeys at all.
Please don't spray-paint the goats. (Or scatter porn.)
Naked brawls in Waffle Houses never end well.
Don’t get drunk and drive fire trucks, lawnmowers, horses, goats, boats, bicycles or golf carts because you will get caught (and we will find out about it).
Fare thee well, Santa's helpers, Gnomey, Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too, a whole lot of underwear, 32 baby Jesuses, Percy the inflatable snowman, 50 Christmas trees, 2,000 hotel towels, Big Blue, gnomes, gnomes, gnomes, Mario Batali’s fancy sausage, 32 pairs of cowboy boots, too many dogs to list, Raggedy Ann and Andy, 40 vibrators and a dildo, a giant inflatable gorilla, a 265-pound fiberglass dinosaur, and a French maid mannequin.
And last but not least: However great the disguise, however cunning and careful the plan ... watch out what you leave behind.
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