Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 11

PART 11

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

Chuck Norris Jokes - Part 6

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

He, who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He, who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his penis.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease".

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Chuck Norris once ate four 10lb bowling balls without chewing.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 10

PART 10

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

"So, do you live around here often?"

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 9

PART 9

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 8

PART 8

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Chuck Norris Jokes - Part 5

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris stare will liquefy your kidneys.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16….seconds.

The original title for “Alien vs. Predator” was “Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris”. The film was canceled shortly after going into pre-production. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 7

PART 7

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Chuck Norris Jokes - Part 4

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. He then proceeds to f**k all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Quotes from Steven Wright - Part 6

PART 6

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Chuck Norris Jokes - Part 3

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris CAN slam a revolving door.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Email Joke Time Again!

I have a first time entry from my cousin, Chelsa.
Hi Chels!

I highly doubt this is true but it's still funny all the same.

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
*
*
*
*
*
*
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"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"

G.R.O.S.S!

Email "Warning" From Aunt Brenda

Warning About Bacon Grease

The question is: Do you cook with bacon grease?

We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood.

But after seeing this, I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

Please warn all your family and friends. If this can happen to these ladies, it can happen to anyone.

WARN EVERYONE!



















BACON GREASE CAUSES SMALL FEET!!

Don't say I didn't warn you......

Savage Chicken Time!

For my husband.....

Who sits around and thinks up this stuff??

Got this in email from Uncle Doug today. I never respond to these things but it fascinates me the things that I come across in email that people have forwarded over and over and over.

Can u find the B(there are 2B's)? DON"T skip or ur wish wont come true...


RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Once youve found the b


Find the 1

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Once you found the 1..............



Find the 6


9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999


once youve found the 6...

Find the N (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

once you've found the N...


Find the Q...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

make 2 wishes!


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OK, NOW THAT U MADE A WiSH, IT WILL COME TRUE.....ALL U HAVE 2 DO IS FORWARD TO 3 PEOPLE BUT IF YOU FORWARD TO MORE IT WILL HAPPEN SOONER!!!

I love you, Al Gore!

I saw the interview with Al Gore last night on Nightline. I pretty much agree with him about the subject of his new book, The Assault on Reason.
I'd like to read it sometime soon. I love that man!

Al Gore didn't write the following, but I thought it was appropriate for how I am feeling today.

What Your Selection Of Newspaper Says About You

• The London Financial Time is read by the people who run the world.
• The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
• The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
• The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
• USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
• The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
• The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
• The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
• The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
• The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
• The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

The LIttle Donkey's Amazing Feat

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw.

With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty
soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!

There's an important lesson to be learned here: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Persevere!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention this final tidbit: Once the donkey climbed out of the well, he immediately bit the crap out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. Which raises the true moral of this story...... WHEN YOU TRY TO COVER YOUR ASS, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK AND BITES YOU!!

When The End Of The World Arrives How Will The Media Report It?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES

Email Joke: In Retrospect........

1975: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair

1975: KEG
2007: EKG

1975: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage

1975: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1975: Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office

1975: Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system

1975: Disco
2007: Costco

1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1975: Whatever
2007: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?"

"I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, Boss, de plane"

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

VIA email from Uncle Doug

Email Joke Time!

A first time entry from my brother......

~*~Hi Biddy!~*~

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don 't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure! that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig???)

Chicken Lip