Urine Test - Email from Aunt Brenda

I don't know who wrote this and I also don't have a job but I do agree with this 100%. Some sort of alcohol test would be in order too.

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work.

Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Something has to change in this country -- and soon!

Anonymous

*~*And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.*~*

Dear Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama,

In the name of all that is holy, I sure wish I didn't have to make a choice between the two of you at the polls today. That was one of the hardest decisions I think I've ever had to make.

That said, I plead with you both..........despite who wins the nomination for POTUS, please take the other on as VP. You both have great plans, both are an inspiration and both are champions for change. This country and its people need you both.

Thanks!

*Lost Dog*

Please help us!
Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.
She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open.
She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her.

Your help would be greatly appreciated.

If the Earth were only a few feet in diameter......

If the Earth
were only a few feet in diameter,
floating a few feet above a field somewhere,
people would come from everywhere to marvel
at it. People would walk around it marveling at its
big pools of water, its little pools and the water flowing
between. People would marvel at the bumps on it and the
holes in it. They would marvel at the very thin layer of gas
surrounding it and the water suspended in the gas. The people
would marvel at all the creatures walking around the surface of
the ball and at the creatures in the water. The people would
declare it as sacred because it was the only one, and they would
protect it so that it would not be hurt. The ball would be the
greatest wonder known, and people would come to pray to
it, to be healed, to gain knowledge, to know beauty and
to wonder how it could be. People would love it, and
defend it with their lives because they would
somehow know that their lives could be
nothing without it. If the Earth were
only a few feet in
diameter.

Joe Miller ~ Moab, Utah 1975

The Green Ones Make You Horny

I will not be surprised if my husband comes dragging a bag of these home for me on Valentines Day! He *thinks* he's so deprived.

M&M'S® CHOCOLATE CANDIES GO GREEN JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Limited Edition All-Green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies Put Consumers in the Mood for Love This Valentine's Day

HACKETTSTOWN, NJ · January 16, 2007 /PRNewswire/ —
Mars Snackfood U.S. is proclaiming green the new color of love this Valentine's Day as the brand celebrates the myths, rumors and innuendo surrounding green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies. In support of this bold and fun declaration, retail establishments across the country will display limited edition all-green M&M'S® amidst a sea of traditional red and pink products. Consumers can find the all-green M&M'S® in packages from January 2008 through the Valentine's holiday.

*SNIP*

What is it about The Green Ones®?

Legend has it The Green Ones® are an aphrodisiac; rumors of their special powers have been circulating since the '70s. In fact a certain perm-bearing early '80s rock star had it in his contract for three pounds of Green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies backstage for, uh, "inspiration." The Green Ones® have even made it into outer space. Green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies have been requested on 31 space shuttle flights.
The Lore of Green

The color green has a strong place in history, long associated with love and fertility. Green is also associated with energy, youth, growth, hope and new life. In the 15th century, green was the preferred color for wedding attire and the Celtic symbol of fertility was The Green Man. Today, green is considered an emotional stabilizer and pituitary stimulant.

Terrible Twos!

My God! It just started and all I can think is, "When will it end??".

My youngest is going through what I assume is the Terrible Twos.
She's constantly cranky. Hits when she doesn't get her way. Shrills at the top of her lungs for as long as she can, when she can. Doesn't want to eat what I fix, doesn't want her diaper changed, wants to wear her shoes constantly (even in bed), and doesn't want anyone to talk, look or even breath in her direction.
I am going to rip my hair out if I have to watch one more fit-throwing tantrum of her lying on the floor kicking her feet, while screaming at the top of her lungs.
I know this is normal, but my gosh, I am so not used to it. My first baby didn't even go through phases like this. Kasey was then and still is, my mellow baby. Korey is my classic text book baby. If I read about it, it will happen with Korey.
My main concern with Korey at this point is that she is not talking. A friend of ours who had a baby two months after Korey was born, have a daughter who is forming short sentences already. And can run and walk like a 5 year old. Korey walks like she just learned to do it yesterday and she can hardly say any words at all. What she does say is not hardly recognizable to anyone other than me. I don't know what's going on.
One parenting site I read stated:
"Tantrums are inevitable. Parents who interact with a child during a tantrum will just prolong it."
I guess that makes the tantrums a little easier to get through since she can't talk and really doesn't understand what I say either. But still I worry about her not being able to talk like other kids her age.

I'll just be glad when we get through this phase. I am so not used to all this.


I'm sure my mom is laughing her ass off as she reads this. SHUDDUP!

What are they worried about!?

I'm sure by now, you all have heard that Heath Ledger has died. But as if he couldn't just go in peace; some church weirdos have to picket his funeral as if it will insure he goes where they want him to go instead of where God choses for him to go. I will never understand people of this sort.

Church Members To Picket Heath Ledgers Funeral

A US church says actor Heath Ledger is in hell because he played a gay cowboy in one of his films, and has vowed to picket his funeral.

The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), a Kansas-based congregation known for its demonstrations outside funerals for US soldiers killed in Iraq, said the Perth-born Australian actor who died yesterday was “now in hell”.

“WBC will picket this pervert’s funeral in religious protest,” the group said in a statement on its website.

“God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as Brokeback Mountain – and He hates all persons having anything to whatsoever to do with it.

“Heath Ledger is now in hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there.”

*snip*

The church, which has been classified by the Southern Poverty Law Centre as a “hate group”, also planned to demonstrate outside the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony.

*snip*

Ledger was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of gay cowboy Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain, a role for which he was widely admired.

What is this world coming to? What are they so worried about? The guy is dead. There's nothing they can do about it now and I doubt picketing his funeral will teach other actors thinking of portraying gay people on film and tv is going to cause them to do otherwise. Picketing a funeral is about the equivalent of posting insults anonymously on the internet.

Man, people need to get a grip. Stop wasting your time and your breath on minute things. The world has bigger, more pressing issues.


Yes Mom...that was a joke.

Ponderisms

Email from Aunt Brenda!

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I found this email forward interesting.......

TWELVE RULES FOR RAISING DELINQUENT CHILDREN

1. Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living.

2. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he's cute. It will also encourage him to pick up "cuter phrases" that will blow off the top of your head later.

3. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21, and then let him "decide for himself."

4. Avoid the use of the word "wrong." It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car, that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

5. Pick up everything he leaves lying around - books, shoes, clothes. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others.

6. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but don't worry about his mind feasting on garbage.

7. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later.

8. Give the child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his. Why should he have things as tough as you did?

9. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration.

10. Take his part against neighbors, teachers, policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.

11. When he gets into real trouble, apologize to yourself by saying, "I never could do anything with him!"

12. Prepare yourself for a life of grief. You'll surely have it.

Are You Ready For This?

Mom started a blog!

Can you believe it!?!? I can't. I can't believe she's finally stepped into the 21st century. This from a person who thought computers were going to be the downfall of civilization. But that's my mom. It takes her a long time to accept change but once she does, she runs with it.

My Mom....the one who thought that debit cards were the root of all evil and would never get one for fear of someone stealing her identity.

My Mom....the one who thought that when she wanted to buy something off the internet, she had to slide that debit card into a slot in her computer tower like an ATM to pay for it.

My Mom....the one who thought if she told someone her name over the internet, that person was going to immediately jump in their car, come to her house and kill her.

My Mom....the one who thought if she used too much color in MS Paint, that the computer would eventually run out and she would have to go buy more from the store.....like printer ink.

My Mom....the one who believed and forwarded every single stinkin' email forward until I finally got her to check it out before sending it to everyone she knew.

My Mom....the one who didn't even own a webcam, but still thought that everything she said or did in front of a computer screen could be seen or heard by others, including the government. (I still believe she turns off her computer monitor at night because of this reason.)

My Mom....the one who thought when she downloaded something from the internet, it disappeared from the website and was hers to keep as the sole owner until someone came along and took it from her.

My Mom.....the one who thought that it was criminal if she didn't read word for word every "Terms of Usage" message that came with those downloads. Many times she would click "I disagree" and was mad that she didn't get to download the program anyway.

My Mom.....the one who thought when she played a computer game, someone somewhere, was actually playing against her.

My Mom....who made sure new files on her computer had her first name in each and every title so every one would know who it belonged to. (She still does this to this day.) Janies Stuff, Janies Books, Janies Drawings

My Mom...who thought if she wanted to print something in Landscape, she had to turn the paper sideways in the printer.

My Mom....who thought if she vacuumed too close to the computer, a big bolt of electricity would come out of the vacuum and strike her computer.

My Mom....the one who thought computer viruses were caught because she didn't keep her computer tower clean, much like you would catch a virus by not washing your hands.

My Mom.....the one who thought "email" was a new slang word used to describe gay people.
Male, Female and Email.

My Mom....the one who thought computer chips were made by Frito-Lay.

My Mom. I love her so much!

Welcome to my world, Mom! You'll always be the "pup" around here.

Rest In Peace, Zach

The 17 year old son of a good friend of ours passed away in a tragic car accident this past weekend.

Four Die In Greene County Crash
Friends Remember Young Crash Victims
Zach's Snowboarding Video @ MySpace

Zach was a good kid....a little button pusher at times, said his dad, but a good kid all around. We spent a few hours with his mom and dad at their house yesterday. Such a sad place. Such a senseless thing to happen.
I just couldn't even speak to Jolie. As a mother, I feel her pain, although not as clearly, but I can only imagine what it would be like to lose a child. She was just so sad and every time I would hear her talk or get close to her, I would lose it myself.
Greg was trying to do his best to hold it together but wasn't having much luck. He loved his only boy so much and was so proud of him, as any dad should be.
It was so hard seeing people in that much pain. But they need their friends and family to rally around them and keep them safe and hold them. They still have their little 6 year old Natasha to think of and they need help with, for and because of her.
Although I had never had the chance to see him in action for myself, I hear Zach was a great wakeboarder and snowboarder. He had many, many friends. His cellphone was ringing off the hook. Mainly it was just friends who were calling his cellphone just to hear his voice on the voicemail.
My heart broke every time that cellphone rang.

Please pray for Zach and his family.

-- Zachary Eugene Whittet --

Visitation is Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Walnut Lawn Funeral Home, 2001 W. Walnut Lawn St.

The funeral is Friday at 10 a.m. at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church, 2200 W. Republic Road.

A memorial fund has been established at First Home Savings Bank, 2655 S. Campbell Ave.
Donations go to Camp Re-NEW-All.

Happy Birthday, Bean!

My littlest one is two today. I can't hardly believe it.

She came into this world with her mom kicking and screaming, and she's attacked this world so far kicking and screaming even more.











I love you, Korey Bean! Happy Birthday!





Love,
Momma

Here we go......

Dear Family and Friends,

2008 is on its way!
May this be the year of all years and we remain happy, healthy and loved.

Here we go......

Love,
Sandy

Email Joke from Uncle Doug

Doctor's Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX


At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled, "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name


As a young doctor doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Fun Blog Game

You read the questions, then type you answer into Google Images and then put one of the image representations on your blog. So, here goes....

Age on your next birthday?





Place I would like to visit?





(Great Barrier Reef in Australia)

Favorite place?






(Shannon Falls, B.C.)

Favorite object?








Favorite food?






Favorite color?







Favorite animal?








Name of past pet?





(Spike - red miniature doberman pinscher)

Where I live?





1st Grade Teacher?





(Mrs. Devore - died in a car accident when I was in 2nd grade)

Middle name?








Bad habit?








College major?








Favorite holiday?