Chuck Norris Jokes - Part 5

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris stare will liquefy your kidneys.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16….seconds.

The original title for “Alien vs. Predator” was “Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris”. The film was canceled shortly after going into pre-production. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.